2011. The year i turned 17. It was in a way both the best and worst year of my life.
It started well, turning 17 and having my first ever driving lesson the day after my birthday. It went well, and since i started driving, in my own opinion, I was able to get the hang of it quickly, despite it taking me about half a year to pass, but that was including months of holidays in the middle! Passing my driving test was one of the best things I've done, even if it was my third attempt… My parents were so proud when they got the typical "I PASSED!!!" text that they had waited for two times before. Then my sister expecting my mum sitting in the car waiting for her after school, instead seeing me in the drivers seat, on my own, minus the L plates.
UCAS, since i was in 6th year. I had wanted to study dentistry for a few years, so it was my first and pretty much only choice at this stage. My higher results were nothing special though, and dentistry seems to require special results, so it wasn't really any surprise to me when i started getting more rejections from universities than offers. It did hit me quite hard, especially since most of my friends either had offers or were going to interviews. I remember the hundreds of 'what if you don't get in' arguments, and the stress of not having a back up plan or anything. When i got 5 rejections i started applying for maths courses through extra. I was offered an unconditional from Strathclyde University to study maths. I was so happy, and accepted it as soon as i had been to see the university. Its one of the best choices i made last year. I love the course, I've turned into such a maths geek, but I'm happy to get up and go to lectures in the morning (unless its statistics, but that doesn't count). Ive met some amazing people. My flatmates are now some of my closest friends, and its so weird to think that we've only known each other for a few months, whereas it feels more like a few years. I was lucky enough to end up in a flat close to a boy i went to school, and Canada, with. We were never really close at school, but we were friends. But since we left school i would now say he is one of my best friends, and the people I've met through him are some of my closest friends now too. I love it.
But I'm also lucky enough to say that I've managed to keep in complete contact with my best friends in Edinburgh. And they are always there when I'm home for weekends, and in the holidays its as if i never left, which just makes it worse when i have to go back to glasgow and i can't go and get lucas nachos for lunch every other day. I love them too.
Summer was amazing. Canada with the school, canoeing for 5 days in Algonquin, and sightseeing in Toronto. It is one of the most amazing places I've been, and i would go back again tomorrow. The people i went with were pretty amazing too. I went only really knowing one of them particularly well, and came back having all the banter (i don't really know how else to say it, cringey i know…). It was so so so good! I can't even express it in words.
We had our annual family Florida trip, but this year we had 3 days in New York before we went to Orlando. Of course we ended up there during the worst heatwave like, ever! The roads were melting and there were health warnings telling everyone to stay indoors. But we still managed a bit of sightseeing despite the constant moaning from me and my sister… It was one of our best holidays yet in my opinion though, mainly due to my sister actually wanting to come on some of the roller coasters with me this year.
My dad passed away suddenly on the 28th of November. It was such a shock to us all, and i don't think i ever won't be upset by it. I still expect to go home and for him to be there. When i was home for christmas, every time the doorbell went, or i heard someone coming down the stairs i expected it to be him. I go through phases where i forget its even happened, if I'm busy, or out with friends, then i remember that he's gone, and i don't know what to do. Being in Glasgow has helped me cope with it. Its helped me to get away from everything and just focus on work, and keeping happy, which is what he wouldve wanted me to do. There are probably things i could do to help myself to deal with it better, but right now, i can never really face talking about it to anyone, and i hate feeling like a burden to anyone. I know they would say i wasn't, and they are probably right, but still. I always have moments where I'm not sure if i should mention it in conversation. It would probably end the conversation so i don't. Turning 18 just recently hasn't helped me deal with it in the best way either. I would never turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism, but its the things i do whilst i have been drinking that I'm not proud of. And my dad definitely wouldn't be proud of me either. So I'm changing. From now. Thats why I'm writing this. Its waffly and thats mainly so i don't burst into tears over my laptop.
I miss him. And nothing this bad has ever happened to me, and i don't know how to deal with it, or what to say to my mum or sister about it, because i don't like talking to them about it, and i feel so selfish when I'm finally happy that i just get upset all over again, and i know he would never want it to be like this. Things will get better eventually, i know. But for now, this is how i have to deal with it.
